Wednesday, December 16, 2015
I've been away for a while. It's not that I haven't been writing; I have. It's just that I've not been writing here. I needed a little time away from an audience... a little time away from the instant gratification of the publish button. I need time to write and edit and then just delete it all. I needed time to write for writing sake and not to make you like me.
This has been a good season. Hard and lonely and sweet and fulfilling. I think those words can describe any season if we let them.
I have made friends here. Every time I move, I forget how difficult that can be... how at first you feel so isolated from who you really are. In each place you reinvent yourself. Not changing so much, just letting parts of you be free and full, while other parts of you lie dormant for a while. I am glad that in heaven, who we're really meant to be will get to waken - every facet, unhindered.
Oh, I'm rambling. I do that, here, more. Ramble through the day. I find myself drinking coffee, staring at the sun. But it's too bright in the morning, so I have to close my eyes. But still I'm staring. Absorbing the light through my thin eyelids.
Anyway, what I was supposed to say was that I have made some friends here. A life here. I have found a little odd rhythm of the kitchen, the desk, the church, the camera. I've missed being with littles, so I sometimes substitute. It's nice.
We have been here for half a year, half our time of reflection and stillness. There seems all-the-sudden a pressure to figure out what is next. I want to grab on to it. I want to make it happen. I want to be in control.
Old habits die hard.
I'm afraid, my friend. Afraid that the lessons of stillness, of reserve, of self-denial, of enjoying the moment... I'm afraid they will vanish when this year ends. Please, God, don't let them.
I'm going to write you more. I promise. I'm gong to tell you what I'm learning - what God is doing - what is happening... not for you, but for me.
Maybe if I tell you about them, I'll be less likely to forget them myself.
I think that's why God asked the Jewish people to have amazing celebrations - to tell each other again and again about His goodness. Don't forget. Don't forget. Don't forget.
I need to be off now... but I'll promise I'll write. Soon. Be waiting for me.