My husband is wearing two different socks. When I came into the kitchen this morning, the first thing I said was, "I'm sorry." David me a quizzical look. So, I added, "for the socks." He laughed and said that the tops of them are both black (one has gray underneath) and so they are fine.
The issue of my heart isn't that anyone else will care what kind of socks he's wearing. The issue is that he would be disappointed in me. I have a very mild case of the shingles, but I was really sick with a fever last weekend, and have not felt the best this week - so, laundry has not been my priority. David has shown his love again and again, doing a ton of housework. He's brought me coffee in the morning. And, I've been really emotional (part of shingles can be a little touch of depression) added to PMS. We've had good talks and sweet back rubs. And he has found lots of ways to entertain me. Not once has he complained about the laundry. He doesn't care about the laundry. He was a bachelor for a long time and can do the laundry himself, and is used to wearing mis-matched socks. Under his boots he wears to work, no one sees them. And he is just so easy going. No big deal.
He loves me. He doesn't love me more when the laundry is all done and put away. He doesn't love me less when the laundry is still in the dryer. Or even if it's in the dirty clothes hamper. I'm the one who is putting on the pressure. Like if the laundry isn't done, he will be disappointed in me. If the freezer is so full something falls out, he will be angry with me. If I over spend on something, he will be disgusted with me. If I say the wrong words, he will give up on me. If I ______________, he will quit loving me.
The real issue of my heart is that I don't believe his love. Even though he has proven it again and again. When I wake up with crazy-crazy hair, and mascaraed raccoon eyes, with an extra pound from that nasty frozen pizza last night, and am being selfish and self-centered, he loves me. When I make mistakes he so quickly says, it's ok and everything's gonna be alright. When he makes mistakes, he's quick to say I'm sorry and I love you. He kisses my neck, holds my hands, wraps his strong arms around me - all the time. All the time. He makes me feel beautiful and desirable. He makes me laugh, really laugh, almost every day. He never expects me to be perfect. Never.
But then I so easily forget it all. Two unmatched socks can erase all that in an instant. I don't know. Why is this? Is this because I am a perfectionist? Is this because I have spent so many years as a single women thinking I was being rejected because I wasn't perfect? Or is this even deeper?
The real real issue of my heart is that I am not trusting God's love for me. I enjoy it. I frolic in it. I see the beauty in it. But I don't live in it. I don't believe it. One little thing can erase all the Truth in an instant.
I have written down a few phrases from Galatians that struck me. I keep these note cards by the bed to read in the morning and at night. And each time I come across the one that says, "the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" - I am startled. Really? He really loves me? How is it that I have sung "Jesus loves me" thousands of times, and yet, that truth is evasive to me.
So, here you are, ready for your date. And you will fix your hair and then fix it again. You will plan your words. And you will try to plan your heart.
A good friend would tell you that you are incredible... and if he can't see that then he is blind. A good friend would tell you that you are beautiful and funny, smart and so talented, and you will make an incredible wife and mother... and if he can't sense that then he is so not worthy of you.
But if I tell you those things, then I am stopping short. I'm not telling you the whole truth.
Jesus loves you, my friend. And you might not feel it when you don't get invited to a dinner party for couples only. And you might not feel it when you're at yet another wedding making sure you're in the bathroom during the bouquet toss. And you might not feel it when you're behind on your taxes, your emails, your laundry. And you might not feel it when you've hurt the people you love the most. And you might not feel it when your sin seems so deep and so wide.
I married my husband for lots of reasons. But, what I remember him saying when we first met is what I really need to know: At the end of the day, you cling to Jesus. And that's just where we - both you and I need to cling to the truth that Yes, Jesus Loves Me. The Bible Tells Me So.
My husband will fail me. One of us is going to leave with the other one standing at a grave. But, Jesus - and Jesus's love - that's eternal. I just want to really, really know that.
I hope you have so much fun on this date. I have vicarious butterflies! I hope that you can keep your heart guarded, but I hope he falls head-over-heals. I hope that he is the one. And whether or not he is, I pray that you will fall more in love with The One who loves you more than you know.
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together will all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Galatians 2:20
I love you, my dear-dear friend. Can't wait to hear about your date!