The Real Me List

A year ago I started a book that held one paragraph that mirrored my soul. Basically it said, "No body really knows me - but it's my fault for pretending to be someone whom I'm not." That paragraph has been haunting me. Lately, people have been recommending I read another book, TrueFaced. I finally started it today. The challenge is to take off my mask - to live not to please God but to trust God. The goal is to be authentic in my relationship with God and relationships with people.
As I'm reading I keep thinking about who the real me is. Maybe it's time for me to sit down with a pen and define myself.
I hate to sweat. I'm messy. I love organization. I can't spell. I don't like competition because I really, really want to win. I'm funny in my head. I hate the gap in my teeth. Sometimes I like to be so independent. Sometimes I don't like being so independent. I would like to be able to shop at Saks Fifth Avenue. I'm a hypocrite. I want to love God more than I do. I want to be stunningly beautiful. I wish I weren't alone right now.
And the list goes on.
Now... if I'm honest with myself won't that be a start to being honest with God?... with being honest with you?

But, that's not the real list is it? That's the list that coyly lets you know what I want you to know so that you'll cater to my preferences.

The real list looks more like: I am selfish and prideful. I want to control how you love me. I want to impress you so that you'll love me. I don't want to admit that I need help. I need help. I want you to think I've got everything under control. I want to be accepted even though I pretend I like being a little over the top. I want God's best... and I want to dictate what that best should be.
And the list goes on...


Tara said…
Wow, thanks I needed to hear that tonight. Thanks for being authenic april, I really appreciate it!
Tara said…
Okay sorry I can't spell on the last comment!

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